The Child Inside

rambling>>> Ever since I moved away from home after college, I've been a good little boy who still makes monthly trips home to visit Mommy and Daddy. In many ways, I enjoy reverting back to childhood, if only for a few days; sleeping in my old room, eating Mom's home cooked meals, arguing over what stupid show to watch on TV that night. It's comforting, it's safe, but it's also holding me back from growing up... and coming out.

That could change soon. Like I've mentioned before, my Dad, like me, is actively pursuing new jobs, which will likely result in my parents moving out of the house they've lived in for the past quarter century. Basically, they'll be leaving my safe haven, and the only home I've ever known. That would certainly be sad: finally severing the ties to my childhood, and seeing my parents in a new town and a new home; but making that big change in their lives could make it easier for me to make the big change in mine. Not that being gay is new to me, but admitting and being honest about it will be.

This week of introspective posts and supportive responses from many of you has made me realize that "coming out" is ultimately an individual journey, and one I must take on my own and on my own terms. I would still love to have a support network of gay friends to back me up, but in a way, I already have that with all of you.

(Cue the dramatic group hug as this "very special episode" fades to black)

I'm visiting my parents this weekend. I won't promise that this is the weekend I'll come out. But I'm closer to it than I've ever been... and that's something.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

The Ex Factor, Part Two

revelation>>> (Continued from The Ex Factor, Part One)

When the ex was explaining about his divorce proceedings, it was so non-chalant, like I should have known already, but he never once discussed his divorce in detail prior to that, and like a horny fool, I must have assumed it was taken care of. I still felt like I'd been struck in the face with a brick. He lied, and that sucked.

But I couldn't bolt just yet. The divorce was stressing him out, and I seemed to be the only person he could talk to. His ex's lawyers were asking for an outrageously large sum for child support, and he had a dead-end job on commission where he could barely support himself. Worst of all, his ex's lawyers played the most heinous stereotype card in the book: they wanted to deny him visitation because he admitted he was gay, and since he was gay, he must have AIDS. Now suddenly he began to doubt himself. He swore up and down to me there was no way he had any kind of STD. I trusted him, because I was deathly afraid of disease before finally agreeing to move our relationship ahead to sex. But now he couldn't trust himself, and it was scaring me in the process. The lawyers wanted him to take the test, but he didn't want to. I don't know if he didn't want them to win, or if he was just afraid of the results. He got the test at some point, and reported the negative results to me one day over the phone. He should have been happy, but there wasn't even the slightest sense of relief in his voice.

After putting me through an emotional roller coaster about my own health, I was ready to run more than ever; but despite the negative test results, he was in worse shape than ever. He would cry all the time and have breakdowns at work. So I'd come over and just sit with him, we wouldn't even talk; I'd sleep with him, but we wouldn't have sex or even hold each other. I'd just lay there and make sure he didn't kill himself. I'd like to say it's because I cared, but part of me thinks I only did it because, selfishly, I would blame myself if he did commit suicide.

The lies continued during all this too. He had taken up smoking again. I got him to swear to quit, but even when I'd visit, he'd run into his bathroom, puff through a cancer stick, then come back and sit next to me, as if I couldn't tell.

Slowly, the divorce progressed, and he was starting to get it together emotionally. I knew that was my ticket out of there. Sex hadn't happened for awhile, partly because I admitted to him I needed a break from being sexual with him to figure out my own issues, and partly because he never seemed in the mood.

Apparently, he was still in the mood.

I found out he had made some new friends online. One in particular he was spending a lot of time with. He tells me this, again non-chalant, like I should have known. And, oh yeah, he's going to move in with this new guy.

What. The. Fuck.

I'll admit I wanted out and was too chickenshit to do it, and I'll admit too that I had turned down his requests for us to live together so he could save money for child support... but he moved on while we were still together! Sure, we'd stopped having sex, but we'd never officially broken up, at least not in so many words. Even if we weren't "together," it still burned that he moved on so quickly, when he had been an emotional wreck just a couple of weeks earlier and I had been the one taking care of him, without so much as a "thank you."

I ended up moving as well, into my current accommodations with The Roommate, and other than a couple of emails and one or two phone calls, I haven't seen The Ex since learning about his new boy and his new home.

I came out of the experience scarred. He may have given me my first glimpse at my true gay self, but he also made me afraid again. He made it difficult for me to trust again.

I haven't been with anybody since.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

The Ex Factor, Part One

revelation>>> I have had one relationship with a man. It ended almost exactly two years ago. While it was good for me to finally explore that reality, in the end, it really only pushed me farther back into the closet than anything.

Like all great 21st century romances, this one began online. I generally didn't initiate chats, but he had a pic, and I thought he was cute, so I messaged him a hello. We started talking and I realized I had found one of those rare gay guys online: one who was willing to talk and not just hit you up for a hook-up. He was sweet and supportive of my closet case behavior, having only recently come out himself. Our chats and e-mails continued over the course of several weeks, I wanted to take my time before I opened myself up to another man. We progressed to talking on the phone, then I finally agreed to meet him at his place. Again, he couldn't have been sweeter or more understanding. He was more than willing to take it slow, get to know me, and answer my questions. I started to trust him.

The sex progressed much like our conversations: starting slowly by just making out, feeling what it was like to touch another man. Making out clothed turned to making out in the nude, and I started sleeping over. He never pressured me to do anything, and it was like he could sense when I was ready for the next step. I was so nervous when he gave me my first blowjob, I couldn't even reach completion. The comfort level grew, however, and soon I had no trouble busting (multiple) loads in front of him, and even returning the favor of a BJ. Fucking soon followed.

We had been together a few months, sleeping over and spending time together (not just having sex) a few times a week as our schedules allowed, when things started to get complicated. We were making plans to go on a weekend camping trip together (a.k.a. lots of sweaty outdoor sex) when, the day we were to leave, I got a call from my Dad that my grandfather was in the hospital and they weren't sure what was going to happen (he made it through, thank God). I took it as a sign, and rushed two hours away to the hospital, canceling the trip. I felt horribly guilty; like my evil, lying, gay behavior had somehow brought this crisis upon my family. I wanted out. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to be straight to make my family happy. I wanted to be straight.

It wasn't going to be easy.

About this same time, the Ex was becoming awfully distracted with something else going on in his life: there were lots of meetings and paperwork involved. One morning as he was looking things over, I learned what it was all about: custody of his kids. I knew he had been married, and I knew he had kids, and I knew he'd moved out about 5 months earlier. Why were they discussing custody issues now? Oh yeah, because he wasn't officially divorced yet.

So, essentially, I was the other woman.

(To be continued...)

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

On Happiness

rambling>>> Thanks to all of you for the support, suggestions and encouragement in the comments and e-mails after my big bad "coming out" post the other day. I'm so grateful to each and every one of you.

Several of the responses addressed happiness; that it's my life and about my happiness. The funny thing is that I've always found my joy in the happiness of others. Or at least I thought so. If everyone else in my life was happy and satisfied, then I was happy too. If that meant hiding the truth about my sexuality, then so be it. It sounds so unselfish on the surface, but the fact is, trying so hard to make everyone else happy has only made me lonely and miserable. I need to remind myself that it isn't selfish to want happiness for myself. The irony is, I'll have to ask my family and friends to reverse roles and be happy that I've found happiness in accepting who I really am.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Deep Gay Thoughts

rambling>>> I've been thinking more and more lately about what it would be like to finally come out. I'm 27, I've missed out on so many years of potential love and companionship (and depending on who you believe, I also left my sexual peak somewhere back around 22). My reasons for keeping it bottled up aren't unique; I'm afraid of what they'll think at work and how it could impact the future of my career; I'm afraid of the suffering I'll cause my family. I know specifically how my overprotective mother will react: she'll cry, she'll blame me, she'll blame herself, she'll try to convince me that I'm not. Her dreams of grandchildren will be erased before her eyes (despite my desire to have kids of my own, gay lifestyle or not). My Dad may be more understanding; he's always backed me up when Mom piles on the pressure, and he's never once asked about my romantic life. Maybe it's just a guy thing. But since my mom is a hypochondriac and tends to overreact to stress with phantom chest pains, she'll more than likely end up in an Emergency Room on the day of my coming out, at which point Dad will blame me for that, and I'll be disowned on the spot. Sure, they'll still love me, I'm their first-born, their baby boy, but it'll take time to heal that rift, and if there's one thing I hate most in this world, it's waiting, for anything. And waiting for my parents to accept who I am would be the most difficult of all.

My parents are reliably Democratic, pro-choice, anti-Bush, but surprisingly conservative when it comes to the advancement of gays. My mom, a woman who dislikes all profanities, still uses "fag" in the derogatory sense, even though I've caught her and told her on many occasions that it's insulting (in general, not specifically to me).

I know everyone's experience is different, but I don't think I can do it without having some sort of support network underneath me first. Because, when it happens, I will fall hard. I will lose friends and I will lose some family (at least temporarily), and I'm going to need someone, or several people, who can identify with, or at least understand the situation. Ideally, it would be nice to have a boyfriend when that time comes; someone I can run to who can wrap his arms around me and remind me I am loved and that finally coming out was worth the pain I've caused myself and others. But how can I ask anyone to do that? First, finding someone who is boyfriend material is hard enough (maybe I should start crushing on guys who are actually attainable), much less finding a boyfriend who's willing to put up with a closet case. How can I ask someone who's already gone through the experience to step back into the closet while I'm dealing with my issues, then go through the drama of the coming out process all over again with me when they've done it once already?

Most days, I'm resigned to the fact that I'm destined to be alone. I put on my phony smile for the world and I even manage to convince myself that everything is great. But right now, having bombed (repeatedly) at getting a new job, and suddenly seeming surrounded by happy couples, I'm feeling like a spectacular failure at life, and seeing little down the road to make me hopeful of any changes on the horizon.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

In Which I Blatantly Steal Ideas

rambling>>> Borrowing a trick from Bingo's former blog, I'm putting my iPod on "shuffle" and writing down the first ten songs that come up, proving to everyone just how mainstream and conformist my musical tastes really are (including the fact that I own an iPod):

1. "Adia," Sarah McLachlan
2. "It's You," Michelle Branch
3. "Hey Jude," The Beatles
4. "Light My Fire," The Doors
5. "For What It's Worth," Buffalo Springfield
6. "Wherever You Will Go," The Calling
7. "For Once in My Life," Michael Bublé
8. "Sweet Surrender," Sarah McLachlan
9. "The Way I Feel." 12 Stones
10. "Extraordinary," Liz Phair

Despite what this playlist might indicate, I swear I was never a roadie for Lilith Fair.

It's also kind of funny to read those song titles in order. It's like it tells a really messed up love story.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Things I'd Never Do

rambling>>> I had the distinct displeasure today of walking past an old man in the locker room who happened to be blow drying his ass.

*Shudders*

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

All Work and No Play...

rant>>> Why the hell did I agree to work extra hours this week when I knew I wasn't going to get paid anything extra to do so?

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Vicious Cycle

rambling>>> So I survived last night's dreaded party. Of course it wasn't quite as bad as I feared, especially since I segregated myself to one of the emptier rooms with the two other people I already knew, while the other 25 or so were mingling elsewhere.

I suppose the perk to not meeeting new people is avoiding my trademark awkward eye contact in conversation.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Party Time!

rambling>>> Thanks to everyone for their advice on my dreaded party dilemma. I'm going to be a good boy and make an appearance, albeit a brief one. Thankfully, I may have convinced one of my few friends to provide an "escape call" after about an hour so I have a reason to leave.

No wonder I never get invited anywhere!

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

The Future of America

observation>>> Seen on the drive home from the gym a few moments ago:

Teenage white boy driving a family car, wearing shades, cigarette in his mouth, singing (horribly off-key, by the way) to Linkin Park's "In the End," with the windows rolled down.

Yeah, man, you're a catch.

[We won't mention that I was in the adjacent vehicle, a sporty coupe, wearing shades, singing (on-key, thank you very much, but not necessarily the right words) to Fall Out Boy's "Sugar, We're Goin' Down," with the windows rolled down.]

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

It's Not My Party

rambling>>> From the "I can never be satisfied" file: I'm actually invited to a party this weekend, but I really, really, really, really, really don't want to go. Probably the wrong attitude to have, considering my complete and utter lack of anything resembling a social life. It's not because I'd rather stay home and download porn (although that would be fun), since in fact I've been strongly considering getting off my ass and getting out more, but because I find the hosts a tad annoying. I've been to their parties before, and they're exactly like anything you've ever seen on every overrated sitcom (minus the TV-14 plot twist at the end where it turns out to be a swinger's party, and ha, ha, ha, our protagonists had no idea!); there are party games and fruity mixed drinks and polite conversation and... I find it nauseating. OK, so it is probably more exciting than my typical Saturday night (remember "stay home and download porn"?), but I won't know most of the people there and I don't want to (and don't give me the whole "oh, maybe you'll meet someone nice" line of crap because most of the guests are older, conservative, coupled church friends of the host couple). Still, I'll probably make an appearance, since I can't come up with an excuse that covers the whole night, but after enduring an hour or two surrounded by happy couples, I'm sure I'll think up some lame reason to get the hell out of there and back to my porn sad lonely existence.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

I Could Be on "CSI"

rambling>>> Consider the evidence found in our house this morning:

- Women's shoes in the entry
- A purse on a shelf in said entry
- The toilet seat is down
- The night owl roommate clearly went to bed before midnight for a change

Either this means The Roommate's girlfriend spent the night (again), or he's started moonlighting as a drag queen and it has really tired him out.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

I'm a Stud

rambling>>> I was so the hottest guy at the gym today. I was also a good ten years younger than all the other guys there too. OK, sure, in both cases it's because all the fine college hotties have gone back to school, but still...

And to think I was strongly considering skipping today.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Misplaced Joy

rambling>>> I was all excited when I opened up my one of my many personal e-mail accounts just a moment ago to see a new message, until I remembered I had forwarded something there from my work e-mail account.

But I guess messages from myself are better than nothing.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Why I Have No Friends

(WARNING: Self-loathing post by a depressed blogger ahead. Also known as: just another day on the web)

rambling>>> Lately, I've been noticing some disturbing patterns in my behavior during everyday conversation. For one, I have the worst case of shifty eyes when I'm talking to someone. I can't just look right at a person when I'm talking to them. I'll look away, or pretend to be looking at nothing in particular. I'm not sure if it's because I'm afraid I'll make them uncomfortable with an unflinching stare, or if it's because I'm overcompensating for the constant lie I'm living with the denial of my sexuality, worrying that they'll somehow look into my eyes and see what a fraud I really am.

I like to think of myself as a good listener at least, but even that is flawed. I've realized I tend to complete other people's sentences. Or at least try to (and usually get it wrong). I wonder if I'm just trying too hard to demonstate that I'm paying attention, often because I so desperately want people to like me (and what better way to accomplish that than by showing interest). Although in many cases, my sentence completion habit is just another case of overcompensation, this time in the form of feigning interest in a subject I don't mildly give a shit about.

So I get it now. I wouldn't want to talk to me either.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Link Love

rambling>>> I finally went through and updated some of the sidebar links yesterday, removing a few that have fallen off the web, and adding a couple of new ones. Generally I just add links without much fanfare, but I can't let a dumb post about vanilla pudding be my only WWW statement of the day. So check these out:

• Jevyeddy's "Like Sands Through the Hourglass, These are the Days of My Life", because he's been cool enough to comment on my silly writings, and I've scored several hits from his link back here. Oh, and I've always had a thing for Aussies. How stereotypical, but I love the accent.

• Ethan's Brat Boy Bulletin, because he too has commented here, and because he looks damn fine making dinner in his skivvies.

• And Alex's The Great Cock Hunt, because he's another damn fine hottie who's not shy about sharing every little detail of his hot little sex life. And because his linkage back here has scored me some mad hits lately (I'll bet his readers are quite disappointed when they click over from his hot blog to this sexless zone-- though I'm thrilled this stud puppy apparently finds my craptacular posts worth reading!). Be warned, his stuff is quite steamy, and probably not safe for work, unless you work in place like Alex does, where there are apparently no limits to what can be done from behind the safety of a desk and a closed office door.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Mmm, Breakfast

rambling>>> Vanilla pudding may quite possibly be the greatest food ever invented. Especially when it's consumed in conjunction with a honey-oat granola bar first thing in the morning.

(And no, I'm not having breakfast at one in the afternoon. But I am already looking foward to tomorrow's breakfast. How sad. But a reason to get up in the morning.)

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Calculations

rambling>>> The Roommate is still waiting to hear if he got the new job, so I guess it wasn't the slam dunk I thought it was. Still, I'm contemplating my future living situation just in case. I've experienced the luxuries of a "garden-level" abode before, and I really have no desire to go back to apartment living. Unfortunately, it's the only way I can afford to go right now.

I did some figuring with my budget, and I can probably swing a maximum of 600 dollars a month in rent, though that will still only get me a middling craphole in a bad neighborhood. But I should be able to still afford everything else in my fabulous life: car, gas, electricity, cell phone (though I may as well dump that since nobody ever calls me anyway), cable and internet (we know I can't live without my, um, entertainment!), and gym membership (real live hotties!! drool... oh, and being all healthy and stuff is important too). Of course, that leaves me with less than a hundred dollars in mad money each month. Guess that addiction to male escorts will have to wait awhile longer.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

R & R

rambling>>> I spent my Labor Day weekend far removed from civilization (i.e., no cell phones, no television, and certainly no online porn computer!) at a campground in NW MN, where I was able to enjoy being surrounded by the wonders of nature (i.e., the above cloud-shrouded sunset, and about 50 mosquito bites).

Unfortunately, I also missed an opportunity to stalk a cute fellow blogger who was in nearby Fargo. Darn me and my nice guy persona!

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Packing Up?

rambling rant>>> I may be moving after all, but not because I got a new job. The Roommate has an interview for a job in a new town today, and he's very likely to get it. That would put me out on my ass since he owns our house and would have to sell if he moves. I can't afford to buy it from him, not that I'd want to (it's not that nice). I can barely afford to get my own apartment right now (why did I buy a car and a new computer this year?), but I think I'd prefer that to having a roommate again. I need to be on my own for awhile.

But how do you like that: I've sent out dozens of resumes over the last several months and got nothing. The Roommate sends out one resume two weeks ago and suddenly he's on the move (probably). Needless to say, this sucks.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com