Befriending the Enemy

rambling>>> I recently made a disturbing realization: my (few) close friends are all very different than me.

That's right, my friends are almost all... Republicans.

(Gasp! Shock! The horror!)

I don't think I go out actively searching for them, it just kind of happens. Much of it is unforunate circumstance, since the few friends I have I meet through work, which is oddly overpopulated with Conservative-types. In the last Presidential election, I was the only one in my small circle of 6 or so regular co-workers to vote for John Kerry (though thankfully my state went Blue and rendered all of their votes worthless-- HA!!).

Although I guess this isn't a recent development; even in elementary school, my best friend at the time came from a Republican family, while I was from a long line of Democrats. In our infinite lack of real political knowledge, we used these family-bestowed identifiers to influence wildly ridiculous debates in the cafeteria during one election year, once ending with me wearing most of my friend's lunch.

One of my other good friends is highly religious, regularly sending e-mail forwards with prayer requests, including some for "our" president (gag), yet he's also the only guy to ever say he loves me (Ok, so he meant it like a brother, but still, I was warm and fuzzy inside!).

Politics obviously aren't the basis for these friendships. In fact, it rarely comes up. But even when it does, most of these friends are surprisingly open-minded. Even HCW, who voted for Bush and squirms at my occasionally homoerotic jokes about our friendship (we were inseparable back when we were on the same shift; we even earned the nicknames "Ace and Gary"), I am proud that's he's gotten to know and respect an openly gay guy who works on his shift. And then there's a straight, highly religious and rather prudish woman on my schedule who not only saw "Brokeback Mountain," but actually loved it!

Thankfully I was able to find a fellow Democrat in The Roommate; I can hang out with Republicans, but I don't know if I could live with them. Though even he has his conservative/homophobic moments (he's big into music, but he wondered aloud the other day why every musical he's ever seen always had to be about the gays).

I guess not everyone can be a sensible, bleeding heart like me.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Whoa.

rambling>>> Something (else besides the impending release of "Brokeback Mountain" on DVD-- 5 days y'all!!) to distract me from my sorrows: Abercrombie & Fitch's summer 2006 line of clothes homoerotic eye candy:

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Picking Up

I think I may have finally snapped.

Despite yesterday's depression and utter despair, I awakened this morning feeling oddly relieved. In fact, I spent the whole morning in an outrageously good mood, especially for me, considering I am not in any way a morning person. Perhaps I was just glad to be freed from the false hope to which I was clinging so desperately. The waiting had been agonizing.

Of course, now that I've had more time alone with my thoughts (including an hour at the gym with nary a hottie in sight to distract me from myself), the depression and feelings of failure are creeping back. Clearly, I need more hobbies. Or just more goals that are not career-oriented, since that has been my defining feature and sole direction for the past six or so years of my life.

A big thanks to all of you who passed along words of encouragement and support, I really do appreciate it.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Destroyed

I was turned down for a job today. That's nothing new, I've been turned down for several jobs over the last few years. But this one was different. I would have been working for my dream employer. Everything I've been working for all these years, all those other jobs I was denied, all the people I've met lately, all of it was seemingly falling into place and making sense-- it was all coming together to put me there. This is where I always wanted to be, and here it was, being dangled in front of me. Only to be snatched away.

I was confident. It felt right. It felt like it was going to happen. I very seldom feel that way about anything. I just knew this was going to happen. I sent in my resume, and was called for an interview the very next day! But then the waiting began. I hate waiting. I hate waiting more than I hate anything in this world. One week, then two. The time of the initial decision passed by, then I was told I'd have to wait two more weeks. I began to worry. I began to agonize. I reminded myself of my confidence, but a nagging, ominous feeling of doom began to well up inside me with each passing day. I tried to repress it, but it was there, battling the confidence for control of my conscience. I wouldn't allow it.

I got my hopes up. Too high, indeed. I envisioned my life with this new job; I pictured it clearly: the wonderous feeling of new surroundings, new challenges, and a heftier paycheck so I could finally strike out on my own once again and afford to attempt to live the life I've always wanted. Money isn't everything, I don't need much, but seriously, I am barely scraping by right now.

I can't keep doing this. This was my shot, my best shot, and when I got it, I could stop feeling like a failure and attain one of my biggest career goals.

I don't suck at my job. At the risk of sounding egotistical, I'm quite good at what I do. I can't elaborate on what that is, but I can tell you that I have one major personal roadblock to advancement, and it has nothing to do with anything I have ever done. I'm highly qualified, and I've even received honors and accolades for what I do. But I work in one of the few career paths where a person can be tossed aside for the most superficial of reasons, and they can get away with it.

With every rejection letter, with every resume without a response, a chasm grows deeper inside. An emptiness, a darkness. I cannot continue with what I am doing now. I need new challenges, I need new surroundings, I need respect. And yet all I feel is failure. I don't know how to do anything else. I can't think of anything else I would like to do.

Even getting an interview at my dream employer should have been enough to boost my confidence that somebody wanted me, somebody saw my value. But being denied feels worse than I could have ever imagined.

What the hell is the point anymore?

A Day That Ends In "Y"

"Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays." --From "Office Space"

rambling>>> Monday comes around way too quickly. Not that I did anything exciting with my weekend (after the Friday night casino trip where I did not get lucky, no matter what you decide to imply from that metaphor), but who wants to get up and go to work? Not I.

I need more sleep; that's what the weekend is for, yet I somehow managed to fail at that.

Work was boring. The gym was boring. The grocery store was overrun with mothers and their loud children since it's spring break around here (Not that I necessarily blame them. Seriously, would you rather have your obnoxious children raising cain on a beach somewhere or safely in the confines of the junk food aisle?). I returned home to find The Roommate left his dishes in the sink for me again, only because I left mine sitting out in the rack to dry and he's apparently too stupid to put them away to make room for his shit. But again, I shouldn't complain, especially after reading what The Nocturne goes through with his roommate (Crusty chicken guts all over the counter? Dude, I would have strangled him with a giblet!).

And anyway, you all know there's one thing keeping me going:

8 days to Brokeback Mountain on DVD!

I'm even looking forward to another Monday to pass so Tuesday, April 4th can be here.

Oh my, I'm tired. Stream of consciousness ends here.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

The Best Things in Life Are Free

rambling>>> A late, light dinner with friends at a national chain restaurant: $10

Two hours of bad luck at a tribal casino: $40

Hanging out at the tables with HCW's tall, dark and handsome friend from high school: Priceless

Unfortunately, he's straight, like HCW (in fact the first thing I heard him say as they arrived was a gay joke), and he's moving away in a couple of weeks, but he smiled a lot and bought me a beer, so I was easily enamored.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Oh, and:

10 days to Brokeback Mountain on DVD!
Though that one will probably cost me $16.99 to $19.99. But damn will it be worth it.

Scrawny

rambling>>> Well, I thought I was seeing progress with my workouts, until today, when the Giant Tattooed Meathead™ decided to sit his big muscled ass right next to me and proceed to bench more than twice as much. Take into consideration the fact that I'm now up to lifting 175 pounds, which is nothing to sneeze at, though not too super studly spectacular either, but you get the idea of how much this dude was pushing, and how his arms alone were about as big around as my entire torso. The Giant Tattooed Meathead™ even checked me out for a second, but after glancing at the piddly plates on my bar, he decided to turn to the only other guy in the free weight area for a spot. I might have been insulted, but had he asked me, the intimidation of the heavy weight combined with drooling over his enormous muscles probably would have rendered me useless as a spotter anyway, so it was a good move on his part.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

P.S.

12 days to Brokeback Mountain on DVD!

Snooze

Tired

Bored

Fatigued

Weary

Exhausted

Lethargic

Languid

Listless

Sluggish

Torpid

But the good news is:

13 days to Brokeback Mountain on DVD!

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

It All Adds Up

rambling>>> I was one of those overachieving smart kids back in high school who took all the advanced classes, and whose fiercest competition had nothing to do with sports or the homecoming royalty elections, but rather the race to be ranked among the Top 10 students in a class of more than 300 students. On the positive side, all those upper level classes helped me escape the college experience a semester early. On the other hand, I haven't had a math class in 10 years. All of that Calculus immediately fell out of my brain immediately after graduation, so now I couldn't tell a derivative from a cosine if you gave me the answers. Thankfully, it turns out I'm one of those people who really doesn't need much beyond basic math skills in everyday life (don't tell my 11th grade Calc teacher). My day job requires more English skills than math. When I do need it, I understand enough to figure out my prices and portion sizes at the grocery store (although I rarely give a damn), or add up the weight plates at the gym. The only difficult math experiences I have anymore are when I wake up (multiple times) in the middle of the night and somewhat sub-consciously force myself to figure out how much longer I can sleep until the alarm goes off-- I absolutely have to figure it out or I can't get back to sleep. Even if it's a small number, like a couple of minutes, it's comforting just to have figured it out in my groggy state of mind.

Oh, one other bit of math that I have no problem figuring out:

14 days to Brokeback Mountain on DVD.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Mr. & Mr. Smith

rant>>> This being an election year, go figure, the talk of banning gay marriage is once again a hot topic, even here in the traditionally liberal Midwest (which is becoming exceedingly less liberal and more frightening by the day). There was a rally last night in a neighboring town to support a state Constitutional amendment to define marriage/ban same-sex unions, where once again the ignorant and prejudiced small-town folk in their infinite superiority complexes feel it's their duty to tell everyone else how to live. That of course means more boneheaded reasoning spouted off by authority figures. One of the arguments I read really stood out as outrageously illogical, though it's nothing new; to paraphrase: "There's all this data to show the importance of a child having a mother and father; with same-sex marriage you're deliberately depriving a child of a mother or father." Hmm, okay... so by that reasoning we better outlaw divorce while we're at it too, right? And we should probably ban single-parent adoptions too (sorry Angelina Jolie-- well, I guess Angie's got Brad now, but you know what I mean), because that also deliberately deprives a child of a parent. Oh, and we had damn well better outlaw the death of parent, too. And yet all sorts of people are buying into that sort of fuzzy math without question, concealing their blatant hatred and fears in cozy little seemingly-sensical explanations. Yet, isn't it more important that a child, any child, be loved, regarless of whether that's birth parents, adoptive parents, one parent, grandparents, an aunt and uncle, a couple of gay guys or two lesbians?

I've never understood the fear. As I've written previously, you'd figure the right wingers would applaud same-sex unions, because it would show commitments in a lifestyle frowned upon by the masses for its perceived rampant promiscuity. And aren't these right-wingers the same ones who are constantly insisting that government have less influence in our lives? Yet here are many Republicans (not all, mind you) pushing to control what happens in the privacy of our lives and homes.

But more upsetting still is the Democratic party. Yeah, my party. Take our state Constitutional amendment issue. Most are willing to vote against a gay marriage ban, but then they take an election year cop-out and explain away their vote as a semantics issue, arguing the language of the bill isn't clearly defined, in the process failing to rail against the proposal in its entirety for planning to make outright discrimination the law of the land. The irony is, they're taking the safe route to try to protect their jobs in November, yet their job, as I see it, is to do what they truly believe to be right.

It's time to grow a pair, Democrats.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Woohoo!!!!

rambling>>> Now this is the kind of news I like to see on a Monday:

Yahoo! News: "'Brokeback Mountain' on DVD on April 4"

15 days and counting, baby.

I may never leave my DVD player again.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Fashion Victim

rambling>>> Since I know you're all curious, I can confirm there were no wardrobe malfunctions last night. I heeded the advice of my more fashionably savvy readers and chose a compromise outfit for going out; a striped blue polo over a long-sleeved white shirt, therefore avoiding the green theme altogether (and since I am no part Irish, I guess that's ok).

Actually, this was my afternoon outfit, but I never had the opportunity to return home before the bar-hopping began in earnest, so I was stuck with it all night. Ultimately, it was a long but not altogether horrible evening. Most of it was spent with HCW and another co-worker. The most amusing point of the night came when the engaged HCW received a phone number from a girl, when our other co-worker and I were the single ones in group. Of course, she wasn't that attractive, and she was a girl after all, so either one of them could have taken her and it wouldn't have bothered me!

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Wardrobe Advice!

rambling>>> Ok, so I may be dragged out against my will to celebrate St. Patrick's Day tonight; and while the prospects of socialization generally make me ill, I do know that I'll need to look fabulous. So here's the quandry: my only green shirt is this hot little American Eagle polo, but it has shrunk considerably since the one and only other time I wore it (and it was tight then too). Now, I could just go with it and show off the awesome arm muscles I've been working so hard on (because I have, and they are), but that's really out of character for me. On top of that, it's going to be cold, and short sleeves just aren't where its at. So what do you guys think of this: my tight green polo with a striped, white button-down shirt worn half-open over the top; essentially two collared shirts at once?

There's even a slight homage to "Brokeback" in the shirt-over-a-shirt selection (score!); and I suppose if I get warm or inebriated, I can always shed the outer shirt and show off the guns.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Who Needs Gaydar?

rambling>>> One need only a modicum of cinematic knowledge and perhaps a touch of boredom to deduce my preferred sexual identity from a quick glance at the titles in my DVD collection, and the selection of hot young actors contained therein.

Anonyboy's DVD Catalog, by hottie:

7 DVDs
- Jake Gyllenhaal (and you-know-what isn't even out on DVD yet!)

5 DVDs
- Ben Affleck (before he got, you know, overrated. Or "Gigli"-ed)
- Matt Damon (counting his dual appearances with Ben in "Dogma" and "Good Will Hunting," but not his bit part in "Chasing Amy," but I guess it's technically 6 for him)

4 DVDs
- Josh Hartnett (gotta love a fellow MN boy! Especially a hot one.)
- Brad Pitt (um, hello abs!)
- Paul Rudd (I'm including my VHS copy of "The Object of My Affection," because he plays an adorable homo, but I haven't been able to find the DVD in stores)

3 DVDs
- George Clooney (adored perhaps moreso for his "out-of-touch" politics. You go, George!)
- James Dean (his only three)
- Leonardo DiCaprio (if you're into that sort of thing)
- James Franco (I'm not a huge Tobey fan, so count the "Spider-Man" twosome here, though I've got three of Tobey's too, technically)
- Ryan Phillippe (including, gasp! "Crash")

2 DVDs
- Shawn Ashmore (bit parts, but still worth looking for in the X-Men movies)
- Christian Bale (I've seen better acting, but a hot Batman)
- Jesse Bradford (yumalicious in "Swimfan")
- Chris Evans (but I still need the dreadful "Cellular," if only for his 5 minutes of shirtless wonderment near the beginning of the film)
- Ryan Gosling (Yes, "The Notebook" guy. Shut up.)
- Jason Lee (hey, Earl cleans up good when he wants to; and he's damn funny too)
- Jared Leto (probably at his hottest on TV's "My So-Called Life," but I don't have that)
- Jonathan Rhys Meyers (oh, those eyes!)

1 DVD
- Orlando Bloom (not a single "Lord of the Rings" in the bunch)
- Hayden Christensen (not a single "Star Wars" in the bunch)
- Ethan Embry ("Can't Hardly Wait")
- Colin Farrell (don't quite get the appeal, but hot)
- Adam Garcia (the hot Aussie in"Coyote Ugly," a movie otherwise only noteworthy for scantily-clad chicks dancing on a bar)
- Ethan Hawke (need more)
- Ryan Reynolds (funny as hell, and a damn fine body)
- Paul Walker ("The Fast and the Furious," of course)

In many instances, I'll freely admit that the only reason I bought the movie was because of the hottie in it. I've lucked out in many cases, but struck out in a few. My small DVD rack is currently overflowing (I didn't even touch on my vast TV on DVD collection), so some of the more chick-flick/mock-worthy varieties ("The Notebook" or the homo-riffic "Velvet Goldmine") are conveniently stashed away in a pile in my room. So far, The Roommate hasn't made any inferences from my stud-heavy collection, but then again, he's got a few titles of his own that might arouse suspicion ("Moulin Rouge," dude?).

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Additional Uninspired, Unoriginal Innuendo

rambling>>> I was fearing nine inches, so imagine my pleasant surprise when it only measured up to a respectable four or five. Although it was soft, and the day is still young.

(Read Monday's post if you don't get it).

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

You Only Get Head If You Pour It Wrong

rambling>>> If ever there was an argument that homosexuality is genetic, consider this: gay guys tend to dislike the flavor of beer in far larger quantities than hetero guys. Ok, so I have no empirical evidence to support the argument, but think about it: is there really anything more breeder-worthy than cracking open a cold one with the boys and watching sweaty athletes battle it out in various sporting events on television (forgetting, of course, the homoerotic undertones of a bunch of guys bonding over the images of sweaty athletes)? I've met very few straight guys who don't enjoy a beer every once in awhile (and those who don't are either highly religious or recovering alcoholics, and in both cases do not consume any liquor to begin with). Gay boys, on the other hand and in my limited experience, tend to prefer malt beverages, snobby wines, or the stereotypical umbrella-accented fruit-flavored girly drink.

Now I know that generalization does not hold true in every case. Plenty of gay guys are beer drinkers. Hell, even I defy that flawed logic (though I suppose one would have to admit to being gay first, but I digress). In my infrequent forays into social situations, and in my continuing ill-advised attempts to convince my hetero pals that I'm a card-carrying breeder just like them, I have learned to overcome my dislike for the bitter taste of beer, if for no other reason than to stop being mocked for my choice of a Mike's Hard Lemonade (though I discovered hard liquor-based mixed drinks get far less ridicule-- and you get far more shlockered in the same amount of time). I can't stomach the taste of every kind of beer; dark beers still taste like bitter syrup, but I've found a selection of light beers that I can handle which will get me through any social drinking occasion without any stares or questioning glances.

Although, perhaps I'm adjusting to the beer flavor a little too well; back home this past weekend, I out-drank my Dad almost two-to-one! Ah, nothing builds a father-son relationship like competitive drunkeness.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Ice Queen

rambling>>> It doesn't matter if it's 3 inches and soft or 8 inches and hard; if you're going at it for 30 minutes, you're going to be sweaty and sore when you're done either way.

By the way, it snowed again today and now my driveway is nice and clear. What did you think I was talking about?

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Dark Secrets of My Past

rambling>>> There was a time in my teenage years when I worked at a fast food restaurant. Almost three years, in fact.

Yes, I was one of those people: slinging burgers; asking if you wanted to get a large fries with that combo for an extra 25 cents; apologizing that the Cherry Coke tasted like regular Coke because someone switched hoses on the machine; trying to figure out how anyone could taste the difference between fountain Coke and fountain Diet Coke and then bother complaining about it; working hard to keep my cool when some ornery old coot would order a coffee and then get pissed when it wasn't served up that very second and why the hell didn't they get their senior discount, because by golly, that 5 cents makes a difference!

Despite all that, it was actually a pretty decent first job. The paychecks kept me stocked up in gas money through my first couple of years in college, and I showed a flair for my control-freak side by being promoted to Supervisor within a short period of time (thus having access to the safe and all the hamburgers I could eat for free). To this day, I still feel sympathy for the lowly, acne-riddled teens in the fast food service industry, catching nothing but grief from ungrateful customers who yell into the drive-thru microphone; or having to deal with dozens of snotty kids who pull up in their activity bus just as they're about to go on break; and then going to school the next day only to be ridiculed because they work in fast food. But let's face it, it's a great way to learn basic service skills; and there will always be a need for employees, since we all know fat Americans are not going to stop shoveling greasy fries into their mouths any time soon. Not to mention the pay is actually pretty good. I could probably go back and get an assistant manager's position and make more money than I'm making now in my current thankless job. The only perk to my current thankless job in comparison is not having to come home smelling like a grease trap and having to wash ketchup out of my hair.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Don't Worry

rambling>>> Those of you regular readers who may have been concerned that I threw myself off of some snowy mountain peak in the Bighorn Mountains of Wyoming after "Brokeback Mountain" lost the Oscar for Best Picture, fret not-- I'm still here. And believe it or not, I'm over it. I don't need some over-hyped self-congratulatory glamour ball to tell me what I already believed: that "Brokeback" was my favorite movie of the year. Sure, it sucks that a majority of the crusty old folks at the Academy were either too homophobic or too afraid to acknowledge the brilliance that I saw in the film; but it doesn't demean the value of the movie for myself or many others. Plenty of people are jumping on the "Academy sucks" or "I'm never watching the Oscars again" bandwagon (ooo, like that's a threat), but that's an unnecessary overreaction that stems from intolerance and misplaced hatred-- a spirit that runs contractictory to the ultimate themes of both "Brokeback" and "Crash." I'll even admit I thought "Crash" was a good movie, I just felt "Brokeback" was better. So what.

So there it is, since I know you were expecting my reaction given my obsession. I would have done my "Monday Morning Quarterbacking"-- oops, sorry homos, I mean, my "Day After Analysis" yesterday, but I didn't have time. And that's the last you'll have to read about "Brokeback Mountain" from me. (A collective sigh of relief echoes across Blogland) That is, until the DVD comes out. Or the DVD release date is announced. Or I stumble on a new picture or factoid from the film online. Or Heath sneezes. But otherwise, I'm done talking about it. Really.

And anyway, I have the newly-released special edition of "Jarhead" on DVD to tide me over in the meantime. Ah, Jake in a Santa hat.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Arrrrggghh!!!

rant>>> First John Kerry, now this.

FUCK!

Moving to Canada sounds better and better every damn year. Particularly the mountainous region near Calgary.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

The Envelope, Please...

rambling>>> One guess as to who I'll be rooting for tonight:

You go, boys.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

The Narcissist Within

rambling>>> As I was sitting up after my final set on the bench press, I caught a glance of the mirror out of the corner of my eye, and I felt myself beginning to think:

"Wow, that's guy's kind of cu---"

And then I realized it was my own reflection.

I must be pushing myself too hard and it's warping my fragile little mind. Although, I suppose it's good for the self-esteem that I find myself cute; especially considering I'm extremely shallow. I have such high standards.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com

Ha! I Was Right All Along!

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid
I scored an average of 3.57

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning
This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:

0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Take the quiz

rambling>>> Apparently this makes me less of a flaming homo than my buddy Jon, but I've never really trusted these surveys with "all" and "somewhat" as choices. And clearly it doesn't explain my obsession with you-know-what, or maybe it does.

anonyboy2004@hotmail.com