Web of Guys

The problem with boldly hitting on a work acquaintance you believe to be gay is:

a) He actually has to be gay (although I'm 99% sure)
b) He has to be single (no idea on that one)
c) He has to not think its creepy that you randomly sent him an e-mail suggesting the two of you hang out.

Coincidentally, while agonizing over a response to said message, I was randomly Facebooked by another work acquaintance who I strongly believe to be gay as well. And I didn't find it creepy at all. Kind of flattering, actually, considering we'd only had one brief conversation. Disappointing, though, that he claims to be straight on his page (his mannerisms strongly suggest otherwise).

Belated

It totally slipped my mind that I reached my four-year blogiversary on Sunday. Thanks to Chris for (generously) reminding me. You're awesome.

Bounce

I've been spending A LOT of time on the gay hook-up dating sites lately, trying to bounce back from the last experience. Besides happening upon one of NY Guy's exes, I've talked to a few other decent-seeming guys, but usually the conversation stalls, and none of them seem to be moving toward meeting in person. It doesn't help that it's pretty slim pickings around here, always the same guys online.

I have been having a steady conversation with at least one guy who I met outside of the online world, though. It's actually Moody Guy's hot young roommate, who I first met a few months ago. I'd stopped by their place a week or so ago for a Guitar Hero night (my first time playing-- the only cherry of mine that's been popped lately) and hung out with both of them again. Since then, hot roommate and I have been exchanging messages and texts pretty regularly. He's a really sweet, good-looking, stable-seeming guy. But he's also considerably younger than me. As in, the term "barely legal" probably applies. Which makes me feel even more like a dirty old man, since I just entered the 30 decade. So far, we're just talking and flirting a bit, and I don't know if anything can/will/should happen. At least he's helping get my mind off that douche-bag NY Guy.

This Just Gets Better and Better

Last night, as I'm on one of the gay whoredom dating sites, trying to put myself back out there and meet some people, one of the guys who hits me up turns out to be a dude that NY Guy used to date! I know this because of the online guy's unique name. We chatted a bit and bonded over mutual problems with our mutual ex. Turns out, he would get just as disturbed as me at NY Guy's self-destructive, drunken, drugged behavior.

I was under the impression that NY Guy and this fella had dated before NY Guy and I had even met.

Um, yeah, not so much.

Turns out they were going out (and having sex) in May. NY Guy and I first met in late April. When NY Guy would mention having dated this particular guy later, I of course assumed it was prior to us.

This all happened at a time when I was still very much under the impression that NY Guy and I could still become something. But apparently, he'd already declared us "friends" at that point without telling me (I would come to accept that fact shortly thereafter). I knew he wasn't into me as much anymore at that point, but I was still trying to win him over. This was shortly after his birthday, when I'd spent big money to try to impress him (and had to deal with his belligerent drunk ass that night as my thank you), and around the last time I really felt positive about us. But I never asked to define our situation, even as I felt things slipping away, more than a month into seeing each other. So though we weren't technically boyfriends, it still feels like he cheated on me-- ironic since this is a guy who vehemently hates infidelity after he was cheated on in his last relationship.

I just feel like the biggest fucking idiot in the world. How did I not know this? We were talking several times every day, we'd hang out a few times a week, yet I had no idea he was fucking another guy. Why was I continuing to be so into him when the signs were there he wasn't into me?

Why do I keep finding guys like this? Liars, cheaters, drug-addicts and whores. NY Guy is all of those things.

My first Ex lied to me quite often too. It took me three years before I felt like I could trust another guy again. And the lies from that Ex weren't nearly this bad.

None of the guys I've gone out with in the last two years have wanted me back. None. That, or they've not wanted me AND treated me like shit. I've been rejected or burned so many times, I don't even know if its worth trying anymore. Maybe I should just go back to women. Or join the priesthood. (Insert altar boy joke here)

I was really depressed when I found out NY Guy had a new boyfriend earlier this week. Now I'm not sad anymore. I'm angry as hell. He's an asshole, and thank God I'm not in a relationship with him.

The funny part? I finally got him on the phone today to admit to his new relationship, which he still hadn't told me about. I had to find out about it through his postings on MySpace.

But I was over that. I still wanted him as a friend. He was a big part of my life for nearly 3 months now, I didn't want to give that up. Now I'm not so sure.

Next time (if there is one), I've got to protect my heart better and not get into a guy so easily and unconditionally. Because this experience has sucked. Big time.

One good thing-- while I could have fallen back into a depression upon these developments, my emotions were tempered by some great news I'd received earlier in the day, about a long-awaited semi-promotion at work. At least something good happened this week.

Whoops

Apparently I was way off in my assumption that NY Guy still secretly likes me. There appears to be someone else he's seeing and liking (a lot) suddenly.

Part of me knew he'd move on eventually, just not this fast.

Considering how much his self-destructive behavior has been pissing me off lately, why is this development upsetting me so much?

What's the What

Yeah I know, I've been a downright terrible blogger lately.

Work's been keeping me busy. There was a massive overhaul at my place of employment, but so far I've escaped entirely unscathed.

NY Guy and I settled into "friendship" a long time ago, although without ever saying it outloud. Yet we still talk daily (or as my massive cell phone bill for last month would indicate, we talk too much). But he's also reconnecting to his bad boy past, and some less-than-honorable influences who have him doing some really messed up stuff. Lucky me is usually the one he calls early in the morning when he's tweaked out of his mind and questioning life. This is not like anything I've experienced before in my sheltered life. I don't know what to do. I care about him and worry about him and try to help him; he knows he has issues (when he's sober), but he doesn't help himself do anything about it. I've been considering doing something drastic, like calling the cops or even his mother (provided I can get ahold of her phone number) if it'll save his life, even if it means he'll hate me for a long time for doing so.

Some people might say I should just cut him out of my life and get away from such drama, it's his life to ruin, but I'm a damn bleeding heart and care about what happens to everybody way too much.

What's worse, I know he likes me more than he lets on. And I've always liked him. But considering what a mess he's making of his life, I also know that's not the kind of relationship situation I want to put myself in. Hell, I'm pretty much already in it, I'm just not getting any sex out of the deal.

Besides all that, I turned 30 a couple weeks ago. AHHH!

(P.S. to Chris: Thanks as always, lovely. You're far too generous.)

Oh No

So is there an AARP equivalent of the Gay Card? Because I'll be ready for mine in a couple of days.